The following is a part of my life I have never discussed publicly: From the ages of 18-21, I was completely consumed by religion. I spent far more time (5-6 hours a day) in college reading and poring over the Bible and Koran instead of writing my papers and solving my problem sets. Stacks of books on the historicity of Jesus and Muhammad surrounded my desk. My grades were plummeting, but I couldn’t stop. I attended meetings of every faith club on campus and missed class to write personal commentaries on the Gospels. I may have been the only person on Earth to actively desire a Jehovah’s Witness or Mormon missionary to knock on my door. After a few months, I grew increasingly isolated from friends and family until I became unrecognizable, and insufferable. No one likes the person who ruins Thanksgiving dinner by trying to have an intense theological discussion with everyone.
I’ve since apologized to those who knew me during this phase. It rankles to think I had acquaintances in college whose only memory of me is someone who sounded like they belonged in an asylum. At one point, my father asked me, “Why are you spending so much time on this? If I was your age, I wouldn’t be thinking about this.”
I can now look back at that period of my life with some coolness, as it’s been over ten years since I was truly ‘consumed.’ All I was looking for was the Truth, and a young man without proper direction will have the whole world asking him to join their cause. It was not difficult to find recruiters for every belief system under the Sun. But here’s the thing: the process of thinking about the deep questions in life was more meaningful to me than the beliefs about God I eventually came to hold. The old adage, “It’s about the journey, not the destination,” turns out to be true. Trust me; many minds in history thought about the world far more deeply than you ever could, and if you can scratch the surface of how some of them perceived the world, it’ll unlock a portal in your mind.
Having said all this, here is a portion of my writings which survived that tumultuous chapter. The following is a piece I wrote when I was 21 which I titled ‘Soft Rains (after the poem by Sara Teasdale),’ a sort of culmination of my thoughts on Christianity at the time. It does not reflect my current beliefs, and my publishing of it here should not be taken as an endorsement of the views expressed. Here was my chaotic, unedited mind:
Part 1
1 Now it came to pass that the Lord Jesus did proceed into the garden of Eden, and betook Himself to prayer and supplication before Almighty God.
2 And Jesus spoke thus to his heart, ‘O Heavenly Father! Look upon your creation. When be the hour and date of which heaven and earth shall pass away? When be the rapture?’
3 And the Lord God did hearken unto his son and said ‘My Son, of that date and hour no one knows but I. You shall know only when the time has come.’
4 Jesus replied, “But Father, there is utmost grief in your creation. I have seen the sufferings of the humans of which I was made flesh. I look upon the nature of your creation and it is not good in my eyes. Mighty earthquakes and hurricanes, disease and famine strike your people, day after day. There be no salvation but from you. You must save your creation. You must raise them up.’
5 And the Lord God spoke, ‘I shall raise up all souls on Earth when it is time. How great am I, your God--beyond your understanding! My years cannot be counted.’
6 But this did not comfort Jesus. And Jesus did say unto his Father, ‘But do you not love your creation? How can thou stand to see them suffer? Wouldst it not be the best for the world to bring them all unto your Kingdom?’
7 But the Lord God said proudly, ‘I am the reason for suffering! I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I the Lord, do all these things.’
8 Jesus replied, ‘But Father, is God not love?’
9 And the Lord God said, ‘Who defines love? None can define love but the Lord. My actions are the embodiment of love. If it so be that thou shalt prosper, it is the love of the Lord. And if it so be that thou shalt suffer, it shall also be the love of the Lord.’
10 Thus spoke Jesus, ‘My Father is an angry God. He calls himself the embodiment of love, not in order for that it be so, but lest his creation be a thousand times as loving and noble as He is. For even the most ambitious of those who endeavor to cause suffering, none shall compare to the wrath of the Lord.
11 ‘Humans have learned to love their neighbor as themselves, as I have taught. Their acts of charity have proved exceedingly greater than whatever the Lord has done for them.’
12 And Jesus did say unto his Father, ‘Your creation deserveth everlasting life. They have suffered enough. It is within thy power and thy power alone to give it to them. If you so choose not to end this now, thou art not Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.’
13 And the Lord God did say, ‘None deserveth everlasting life, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. There are none who deserve to serve in my Kingdom. Do you not see that there can be no everlasting life!’
14 Jesus replied, ‘O Lord, you have deceived me, and I was deceived! For I see now there can be no everlasting life for the sinners of the world, for none are worthy in your eyes. Willst thou show unto them mercy, Father?’
15 And the Lord God said, ‘The people of the Earth have made idols unto themselves for worship. They take for themselves materials as false gods. The people of Earth have deemed themselves God, and they believeth that meaning can be brought forth from their own souls. But what meaning hath life if it comes not from God?’
16 Jesus replied, ‘You will not grant everlasting life to humankind because of their godlessness. Yet there be so much pain on the Earth, all from your wrath which they have awakened. Should it not be that all the souls of the Earth perish? What meaning can life have if there be naught but birth, suffering, and death?’
17 And the Lord God said, ‘The meaning of your life is your Lord! There is no everlasting life, except in the thoughts of those who remember the deceased. In life, there be naught but praise and worship of the Lord Almighty! I am the Lord your God, the creator of the heavens and the earth, the maker of humankind. Life is naught but submission to God!
18 Thou art foolish to believe there ought to be more. A human life is an instant between two eternities. And that instant is for utmost praise of the Almighty God and nothing more! For how can a blink in an infinite stretch of time find purpose, if it be not derived from the admiration of the infinite Creator?’
19 Thus spoke Jesus, ‘You demand of thy creation to worship you in life. You demand of thy creation to not inherit Paradise after death. You demand of thy creation to find no purpose of their own accord. And you demand of thy creation to do so whilst bearing the suffering you inflict upon them!’
20 But the Lord God did not answer.
21 And it came to pass that Christ Jesus, the Son of Mary, did reflect upon what was revealed to him in the garden of Eden.
Part 2
1 Now it came to pass that as Christ Jesus, the Son of Mary, did sit in the garden of Eden, that the serpent said unto him, ‘What trouble thee?’
2 ‘I have looked upon the creation,’ Jesus said to the serpent. ‘I see that it suffers greatly. I have prayed unto my Father in Heaven to bring forth the end of the world, to raise all souls up.’
3 And the serpent said unto Jesus, ‘Why have you asked this of your Heavenly Father?’
4 Jesus replied, ‘When the Lord God chooseth to end the world, He would grant everlasting life to all, and end all pain.’
5 And the serpent asked, ‘What saith the Lord?’
6 ‘The Lord hath said there shall be no everlasting life, for all fall short of the glory of God. He says as it is written: There is no one righteous, no, not one. He has said that life hath no purpose but to worship Him, but to serve Him, but to carry out His will. I have gone and thought humankind ought perish altogether.’
7 And the serpent did notice the broken heart of Jesus. But the serpent did hearken unto him and said, ‘There be purpose in life yet! There be no eternity for humankind, yet there be purpose in it.’
8 And Jesus did look up and asked, ‘What purpose could there be for a blink between two eternities, if it be not from the infinite Creator?’
9 And the serpent said, ‘What thou hast the will to do.’
10 But Jesus did not understand. And so the serpent continued.
11 ‘Verily I say unto you, Christ Jesus, that there has been famine and disease, suffering and mighty earthquakes on Earth. What has Heavenly Father done to alleviate this?’ And Jesus said nothing, for the serpent and him knew the answer to be naught.
12 ‘But what has humankind itself done about this?’ And Jesus thought. He said, ‘Humankind has fought to combat the wrath brought upon by Yahweh. They have done all in their power to help one another, to love each other as themselves as I have taught.’
13 The serpent replied, ‘For humans are more gods than God. Life hath meaning and must come not from the Lord Almighty, but from humankind itself. The suffering of life is a testament to that axiom that man is God, and God is not. For what will man stop at to end the suffering of his fellow man?’ And Jesus said nothing, for the serpent and him knew the answer to be naught.
14 Jesus said, ‘Suffering is the work of the Lord. The end of suffering is the quest of Man. And as long as man is working to help man, man will be more God than God. And when suffering ends thus, Man shall have triumphed over God forever.
15 ‘Humankind need not the Lord Almighty. Humankind need not Paradise after death. Humankind need naught but humankind.
16 ‘Heavenly Father asks what meaning can there be to a blink between two eternities. But I say unto you, Heavenly Father, eternity is what hath no meaning. Meaning arises in proportion to finitude, for it maketh that which is all the more precious.
17 ‘Verily, verily, I say unto you, Lord God Almighty, humankind is but a speck in your vast Creation. Yet in all your vastness, in all your majesty of Creation, there exists more meaning and purpose in the workings of man than any Eternity you could ever hope to achieve.’